Robinson Terry: Staff Writer / Psychic Cynic
Straws have had a significant impact on the dining world since their invention in 1881. They are easy to use, lightweight, and reusable. But do straws make drinking easier? The controversial question has incited debate and war for centuries among thirsty, curious individuals.
Some, like Marv Orstein, believe straws are stupid: “Straws serve no purpose! First off, they reduce the amount of drink one can consume per gulp. Secondly, they are liable to end up in your nostrils if you pick up your cup without paying attention. And thirdly, they force you to put a top on your drink. Never!”
Others, like Steves Lurper, believe straws are wonderful: “Straws are small superhighways, safely delivering fluid from cup to mouth in split seconds. Without straws spills would increase tenfold in the first month alone. After a year there’d be spills everywhere, on every table in every restaurant and home.”
But, a new study by MADS (Movement Against Destruction of Straws), may have finally answered the age-old question. And their answer is yes.
In the words of Pout Ellipse, spokesperson for MADS, “After a ten year longitudinal study we have determined that increased straw usage does, in fact, make drinking easier.”
He elaborated on the benefits of increased straw usage: “A, straws only gather liquid from the bottom of the cup, which is, of course, where all the good liquid lives. B, straws allow the ingredients in the drink to affect the brain quicker.”
Ellipse went on to explain that this should come as no surprise to serious straw-studiers. “After all,” he stated, “Einstein put a straw in everything, even his morning coffee. Whenever he was asked why he just pointed down. Now we know why.”
According to Ellipse, straight straws are the most effective drink deliverers, but bendy straws make drinking the most fun. Ellipse is adamantly opposed to loopy straws: “They’re loopy!”
The results of the study have inspired certain beverage companies, specifically energy drink companies, to get creative. Norm Aler, CSO of Manster, has already stated that Manster will now only produce cans with five straw holes in them. Others have gone even further. Bill Board, CSO of Sockstar, reportedly stated that researchers at his company are working on a can that could accommodate up to eight straws.
Despite mostly public support of the study’s findings, some still refuse to endorse straws. Like Marv Orstein: “I stopped using straws when I was six and it hasn’t hurt me none!”
Marv was later spotted on his lunch break from the fast food place he works viciously slurping away on a Manster.
Slurp away, Marv, slurp away.