Rob Terry: Staff Writer / Psychic Cynic
Weeks ago Apple released the New Ipad to rave reviews. I would’ve written about it right away, but I was too busy playing on my own, New Ipad. Luckily while I was living in cyberspace I met up with Tim Cook, the new CEO of Apple, in a new app called Mims. His mimhim was wearing black jeans, a black turtleneck, and silver-rimmed glasses.
Me: So, Thin, how’s it going?
Tim: Very well Rob, very well. How about for you?
M: Pretty good. So tell me, why are you on Mims?
T: I like to try out the new apps and meet the new Ipad users.
M: I see, I see. What other new apps have you tried out?
T: Well, there’s Phonebooth, and Draw Something’s, and SkyNet and Orientation Assistant and a bunch of other fascinating applications.
M: Right, I know most of those, except for Orientation Assistant. What’s that?
T: It’s an app that determines the sexual orientation of an individual based on data you input, for example from Facebook or Twitter or Instagram or Youtube.
M: That’s legal?
T: Course it is.
M: Are you sure?
T: No. But I own Apple. And Apple owns the government. And the government owns the law. So by the transitive property of owning I’m not worried.
M: You do own Apple.
T: I do. And I make the greatest products on Earth.
M: Isn’t that Snapple?
T: No Rob, it’s me. I mean Apple.
M: Right. Well, does the app work?
T: What do you mean does it work? Of course it works!
M: Okay, so, whom has it worked for?
T: Well, we predicted Justin Bieber before all the gossip about a boyfriend.
M: Really? What’s his orientation?
T: Gossip is true.
M: What else can the Ipad 3 do?
T: It’s not the Ipad 3 god da-
M: Whoa, Thin, calm down. I apologize. I mean to say, what else can the New Ipad do?
T: Well, we’re working on a top secret Hover app.
M: Oh yeah?
T: Yeah, we’ve almost figured out how to turn the Ipad into a hoverboard.
M: No way.
T: Yes way Rob, yes way.
M: So ride it. Let me see.
T: We aren’t finished with the final version yet. We’ll release it soon.
M: Wow. Anything else?
T: Well, Siri has been vastly updated. You can now have a conversation with Siri, and choose which type of personality you want her to have.
M: What are the types of personality?
T: There’s sexy Siri, funny Siri, smart Siri, and sweet Siri.
M: Wow. You can have a conversation with a computer.
T: Not a computer. An LSD.
T: Life saving device. Duh.
M: Right. Wow. So is there anything the new Ipad can’t do?
M: I didn’t think so. Well Thin, my mimhim’s hungry, so I’m gonna go eat.
T: Great idea.
M: Thank you.
T: No, thank you.