The Potato

Robyn Macy: Staff Writer / Professional Skeet Shooter

After a four and a half hour road trip, Hicksville native Corey Sperry has missed four out of his five Monday classes. He, along with most of his friends, have the burden of traveling across two bridges and countless highways to get Cortland in time for class. “Dude, like if I lived in Syracuse, it would be like a half hour in the car,” he complained during lunch. “I could’ve slept in for like five hours. I couldn’t even get a bagel before I left.” After the lunch, Sperry had officially missed all five of his classes. 

Due to the overpopulation of native Long Islanders to the school, SUNY Cortland has established a “local” campus located in the heart of New York’s most favorite appendage. 

“The new sister school will have the Cortland name without the risk of getting a speeding ticket on 17 or 81,” said Moffi Miller, a spokesperson for the change. “We’re still working on whether classes will be conducted before ten because traffic on the Southern State is a b#&%!”

The new professors will be imported from the main campus and will be forced to acclimate with the unfamiliar culture of Long Island. Ithaca native, Professor O. VanHousen, has never been below Binghamton before, but takes this as an excellent way to explore the habitat. “Every shopping center has either a nail salon, bagel shop or pizza parlor… it’s fascinating!” He has watched The Amityville Horror, Long Island Medium and countless Everybody Loves Raymond to prepare for the change.

The off-campus location will have most of the amenities of Cortland’s actual campus with an all you can eat miniature replica of Neubig, over-populated fitness center and a reproduction of the confusing Dowd floor plan. 

Plans are still to come about somehow locating themselves near a graveyard to keep the “vibe”. 

No word yet whether Bitterbaum will extend the new sweatpants dress code to the newer addition.