Cassandra Basile: Staff Writer / Bio-Organic Dictionary
I received a curious phone call the day after last week’s issue of the onion was put up. The voice on the other end of the line was muffled snarky tone relaying this sentence: “Nice article but if you want a real scoop on some history meet me on the third floor of the library at 10:00” the line then went dead. This was typically out of my common sense, but not being able to resist the possibility of a great article, I went. Waiting on the third floor of the library for almost twenty minutes I half decided it was time to go when there was a tap on my shoulder. I turned to find the person I was looking for, and for all intensive purposes let’s call him: Tim Funn. He pointed to the staircase without saying a word and started to walk that way, and I soon followed. Our interview was conducted in the back of The Bookmark and is as follows:
Potato: Wow, I’d never imagine you read my articles, but tell me what has brought you to Cortland on this fine March evening Mr. Funn?
Tim Funn: I have a bit of knowledge you might be interested in. Having been an active member in the group PETA [People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals] I find it time to come clean about some of their nasty secrets.
Potato: Secrets in PETA?
Tim Funn: Yes, horrible things they do to pigeon hole an entire species. It is quite horrendous the crimes they get away with.
Potato: Well, let’s hear it.
Tim Funn: To begin we must go back to Vatican ii, in 1962 when the Catholic Church was making more reforms. I am sure you are unaware that PETA has been in collaboration with the Catholic Church pre-functioning days. The group wanted to get started in the early sixties but had one road block stopping this early beginning…
Potato: The Catholic Church?
Tim Funn: Correct. PETA wanted to launch their Vegan Campaign in the sixties, however the Church wouldn’t allow it, they said the people needed something to eat during Lent. If PETA had Catholics going Vegan year ‘round what would there to be given up at Lent?
Onion: What indeed…
Tim Funn: In a desire to, make it work, the two groups came to a compromise, PETA put forward the idea that fish should be eaten during Lent. The great dislike for fish can be seen everywhere from Pet store tanks with the majority of fish floating to the top to this very trade off. PETA has had a burning hatred for this species since the sixties before the group core formation…
Onion: Wait, wait, if PETA compromised why did they wait until the eighties to form?
Tim Funn: The other ends of the deal, because the Catholic Church was so grateful they allowed PETA to form, but not until the late eighties. They called it their little covenant.
Potato: So is that why there are so many controversial tactics from PETA? A sort of resentment toward the Church?
Tim Funn: Unfortunately so, they even started a bit of fish rights but that the Church could make the organization ‘go under’ if we pushed our covenant too much. At the end of every fish article there is a tag line stating how you can help out by going Vegan, all the fish rights articles are a plug for the Vegan campaign.
Potato: Vegan meaning not partaking in the meat, breast milk or ovum of any creature with a face?
Tim Funn: That’s what they are going by, I have finally had enough. Fur free chic is one thing but fish abuse I cannot stand behind.
Potato: Would you like this interview to be open?
Tim Funn: Could you perhaps change my name? It doesn’t have to be anything drastic…
Potato: Sure, I could make it rhyme?
Tim Funn: Yes, that would work. Make it rhyme.