FDA Approves Cheeto Finger Cure
Ryan O’Callaghan: Editor-in-Chief / Pretty Person
Since the introduction of the Cheeto to the American public, an epidemic has struck the US. With the 1948 release of the tiny cheesy logs came a strain of discolored orange fingers.
For sixty three years, the scientific phenomenon has baffled scientists and the common man alike.
Seventy three year old Mort Feinstein remembers when he was first diagnosed with Cheeto Fingers. “I was ten when Pepsi Co. released Cheetos. I remember wondering how crunch and cheese could be put together so perfectly. I got the the bottom of the bowl I had put my Cheetos in and became sad that I could no longer crunch on my new favorite snack. I looked down at my hands and screamed. My fingers. They changed color. I couldn’t believe it. My mother rushed me to the hospital.”
Mort Feinstein was the first to be diagnosed with what would become the spreading epidemic of Cheeto Fingers. He was kept under observation for twenty-four hours. Dr. Norbert McAlester who overlooked Feinstein’s recovery published the accounts in the 1949 Journal of the American Medical Association.
“We assumed that the discoloration of the digits was brought on by a fungal infection. The patient, however, did not respond to the treatment. We allowed the patient to use the restroom, and when he returned, the discoloration was gone. We plan to test stool and urine next.”
Cases of Cheeto Finger seemed hit a peak in the mid fifties, but in 1966 cases spiked and climbed shortly after the release of the Dorito.
Countless inconclusive case studies occurred for the next forty five year. Penicillin and amoxicillin were ruled out. In 1997 a Graduate student at SUNY Cortland made a breakthrough discovering that Cheeto Fingers didn’t occur among those who followed a healthy dietary plan. Though prevention was found, a cure was still a major outcry.
After decades of research, the FDA has approved a topical solution (a combination of Carbon, Hydrogen and Potassium). Within the next few weeks Strike-out Orange Application, abbreviated S.O.A.P., will be available at your local pharmacy with a doctor’s prescription.
